College Admission Essay so I can take car to Cali - Vintage Mustang Forums
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post #1 of 24 (permalink) Old 10-19-2003, 09:06 AM
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OK, there is this college in California I want to go to, which would be perfect for my currently rust free 'Stang. So I'm hoping you scholars could read over my essay and give me any thoughts, ideas, concerns, complaints... ty.

One essay option was to write about a historic event that inspired you. I'm suppose to assume the reader knows the details about this event. Tell them what it means to me personally.

Instructions also said to have 500-700 words. I have 617.

For the event I used the entire Renaissance


ESSAY

=============================

What is the connection between the Caribbean Sea, vanishing point, Black Death, and decline of the papacy? They all take place during the 14th and 16th century, or better known as the Renaissance. These examples are minute compared to the total achievements of the Renaissance. The word Renaissance was formed from Latin renasci, meaning “rebirth”. Everywhere this movement spread in Europe, it brought along the study of the Roman and Greeks. It also created the greatest philosophy, Humanism, stating that you are somebody. The era of the Renaissance greatly contributes to the view I have of life.
The Renaissance was a rebirth that allowed the people of Europe to take one step back and one giant leap forward. The rebirth literally represents the reappearance of the classical era; Europe pushed their way through the Middle Ages and brought back the importance of education and knowledge. However, I like to think of it as the rebirth of hope, inspiration, and achievement. This is how powerful education is to young adults like me today. Great schooling gives me hope that the future holds even greater opportunities in hand. Studies and research inspires me to push myself to the next step and to do my best. The last step of graduating, an achievement of its own, also allows me to clearly see the achievements my life as an adult will bring. Education is a rebirth into a better and more promising future.
The people of the Renaissance were born in the study of classicalism, the time of Romans and Greeks. People discovered and read the scripts from ancient ruins, studies of classical architecture and humanities reappeared, and Bible figures began to dominate the arts. The Renaissance took the knowledge of the past to advance the present and future. I also understand the importance of the past and do not take it lightly. Without the past we would not be where we are today, and ideas of the past will still take us into the future. Instead of disregarding the past, embrace it and use it as a stepping stone for future ideas, inventions, and art. Ideas of the past still are not seen in the present, including ones from the 15th century from Leonardo da Vinci. Just like the future of mankind, the past is always there.
An idea from the Renaissance created an idea for our past, present, and future; the idea is humanism, stating that all people are valuable and able to reason. Instead of just waiting around on Earth trying to stay pure for Heaven, people began to take advantage of the life they have. My time on Earth is just as important as anyone else’s, including those from the Renaissance. That is why I do not waist the time I have. My time is used to better my life and the future advancements of the world. Advancements do not have to be huge, because with over six billion very small advancements, who knows what the future will look like. Everybody has a limited amount of time, but as a whole, time is unlimited.
My life is not based around the Renaissance, but many of the concepts from that time help me guide where I want to be as an individual, also an idea from that period. With a great education and background I believe it will help me take me where I want to go. On the way, there will be obstacles that I can not hurdle alone, so I will need to look for help from other people. I also know that everyone holds a little piece of the future, but with an education and hard work, maybe my piece can be a little bigger.


==========================================

End Essay
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post #2 of 24 (permalink) Old 10-19-2003, 09:52 AM
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When you ask for opinions on VMF, you should be prepared to receive them for better or worse.

Overall, you did a good job of meeting the basic requirements of the assignment. There are a couple of nits such as using "waist" when you meant "waste", but nothing major.

One of the difficulties with an assigment like this is that it's hard to resist the urge to create a foundation for your main point by explaining what the Renaissance was, although the assignment tells you to assume that the reader already knows that much. So the challenge becomes one of weaving the context into the personalization aspects of the essay. For example:

[color:"blue"] "As a young adult contemplating the next phase in my life, I know that the existence of higher education as an option for one not born into royalty, the church, or the moneyed classes has it's roots in the principles of egalitarianism that emerged from the Renaissance.

Recognizing that link prompts me to reflect on other ways that the Renaissance (as with much of history) continues to echo well into the future and how it touches many of us on an individual basis." [/color]

From that intro, much of what you have put into your essay can still flow naturally. My other bit of advice is to try to make it more thoughtful and substantive. Going only on the text and without knowing what was in your mind as you wrote it, I perceive a flavor of the beauty pageant contestant hoping for world peace.

You've done a good job of understanding what the Renaissance was and clearly have the ability to articulate those thoughts. Just explore it a bit more deeply and don't worry about the word count. When you've said what you want to say, you may well find that you're over 700 words. Then go back to the document and use tighter language with more concise phrasing to express the same message.

That approach will produce an essay capable of standing out from the thousands of others the admissions office will be reviewing, which is really the key to getting your car out to California. ::

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post #3 of 24 (permalink) Old 10-19-2003, 10:16 AM
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Hmm... OK, but I was told not to go deep like you did. My counselor told me college essays should get to the point and not waist (waste) the reader's time. So "more matter and less art". Is he wrong?


OK... you guys might like this. One of the short answer questions was:

what is one accomplishment that is important to you and what have you learned from it?


Amazingly, the greatest accomplishment that comes to mind right now is what I did yesterday; I ordered new interior to undergo the restoration of my 1970 Ford Mustang Convertible. After a year of saving money, I was able to purchase what I have been dreaming for ever since I received the classic car. I now truly know that hard work (and a good budget) get you somewhere, and it may have taken a year to get there, but in the end it’s worth it. Also, with a huge purchase like this I understand the true meaning of a dollar bill, and with the white interior the bills bought, learn a good sense of responsibility.
 
post #4 of 24 (permalink) Old 10-19-2003, 10:51 AM
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They are asking me who my role model is.

Do they judge you on this?

honestly i would put Fidel Castro

===========================

lol... asking me what is the last book i read for fun:

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post #5 of 24 (permalink) Old 10-19-2003, 10:53 AM
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We both gave you similar advice. "More matter, less art" is a way of saying that you should focus on substance, not flowery expression.

Not wasting the readers time is not the same thing as not going deep. It just means to get to the point (i.e. be succinct). However, if the point isn't one of interest, that might be wasting the readers time and the content will be quickly forgotten.

You know best what the counselor advised. I don't necessarily have that same context, so my advice is based on what I can infer. Advice is just that and you should feel free to follow your own instincts if you don't agree with the advice that's been given.

I guess I don't get the point of your reference to "waist (waste)". It begs the question of whether you were actually looking for applause and are offended at having received a straight critique. Am I misreading that?

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post #6 of 24 (permalink) Old 10-19-2003, 10:56 AM
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My most important accomplishment was obtaining my doctorate and finally understanding what that meant. It does not mean a piece of paper and a title. About 6 weeks prior to my thesis defense, I realized that I knew more about my subject than my advisors. Hmmm...what did that imply? Maybe that working towards a doctorate is learning how to learn about a subject that no one else knows about? To do that means you can't take lectures or classes, but you have to learn independently, by yourself.

Once one realizes that you can learn a subject by yourself, it opens up the entire world of subjects whatever your curiosity takes you to, and you can become a subject matter expert of sorts. I've learned all sorts of things: disappearance of Amelia Earhart, restoring old Mustangs, and things related to my work. It's very satisfying knowing that you can learn my yourself without a school.

Not everyone needs to obtain a PhD to reach this point, and many of you are essentially "doctors of philosophy" without knowing it. It's too bad that in today's business climate, that piece of paper is more important than what is actually represents: the ability to learn independently.
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post #7 of 24 (permalink) Old 10-19-2003, 10:58 AM
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actually i'm kinda... umm... how would I say this...

LAZY

DO I HAVE TO DO THAT MUCH WORK! no I apreciate what you said, but I'm trying to make excuses to not do it, because it will take time.
post #8 of 24 (permalink) Old 10-19-2003, 11:10 AM
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Hello.The idea that you are expressing in the first two paragraphs more closely resembles existentialism than humanism.Also it was Aristotle that applied the title 'homo sapien'to humans.Western philosophy was pretty much a foot note to Aristotle until the 16th and 17th century when people like Rene Descartes and David Hume started to actually think and question.If you could find the time to breeze through Immanuel Kant's Groundwork to the Metaphysic of Morals,(we won't get to Critique of Pure Reason yet)that would provide you with a very interesting perspective on the subject.Hope that helps.
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post #9 of 24 (permalink) Old 10-19-2003, 11:35 AM
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although i am too lazy to read your paragraph.... one because i just woke up, and two because i just woke up. I will offer some advice to someone who just went thru the college admissions process within 12 months. first off, don't kill yourself over essays, the average college admissions office spends a grand total of 2 minutes reading and thinking about what you wrote. I've found what college seem to care most about is having a well rounded, academically capable person. When asked to list extracurricular activities, make sure your list is long and varied. If that means getting out there on monday and signing up for the debate team, do it. Colleges like kids that do things of the like. Since i was such a slouch my first two years in high school i really needed to pick it up my junior and senior years... but by the end i was in more of the schools programs than you can imagine. no, you don't have to be the president of the club either, just a memeber. And hey dooing it is also a good way to meet new people. Now enough of my 1/2 sleeping rantings i have food to eat and football to watch soon.

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post #10 of 24 (permalink) Old 10-19-2003, 12:55 PM
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Well I'm not in a whole lot of groups, since there are not a lot of them... other than sports there is Spanish club, science club, art club, and ffa. Also knowledge bowl and Math League.

I redid my intro paragraph:

I may be considered a scaremonger as I frighten myself with lugubrious thoughts of my future education, but I have to keep in mind that my religion, class status, and name cannot keep me from knowledge, which was established in the era of the Renaissance. The Renaissance also unleashed the crucial philosophy of Humanism, stating that all people are able to reason; therefore only I can cause myself nescience. As you begin to realize what evolved from this 14th to 16h century time period, you may be thrown into a redoubt of consternation. Those that have not realized the significance of the Renaissance probably see it as a dapple in history, but to one of the Renaissance man there, it was the rebirth of something great. Trying to realize the plethora of knowledge that came from the Renaissance, I notice how it has helped me guide my life.
post #11 of 24 (permalink) Old 10-19-2003, 01:25 PM
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You are on much better track. One problem...nobody talks like that. It is too academise, not very readible. You are throwing out words that educated people would have to look up in the dictionary. Use a couple but don't flaunt fancy language, they will know that the thesaurus is your best friend. BTW, which school are you trying to attend?

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post #12 of 24 (permalink) Old 10-19-2003, 01:54 PM
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well i actually know all these words very well... we use them all the time in AP English. I will take some of the harder ones out.

this is for University of Southern California
post #13 of 24 (permalink) Old 10-19-2003, 02:03 PM
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OK... I changed some words in the first paragraph, and have the second paragraph ready too...


I may be considered a scaremonger as I frighten myself with lugubrious thoughts of my future education, but I have to keep in mind that my religion, class status, and name cannot keep me from knowledge, which was established in the era of the Renaissance. The Renaissance also unleashed the crucial philosophy of Humanism, stating that all people are able to reason; therefore only I can cause myself lack of knowledge. As you begin to realize what evolved from this 14th to 16th century time period, you may be thrown into a stronghold of consternation. Those that have not realized the significance of the Renaissance probably see it as a speck in history, but to one of the Renaissance men there, it was the rebirth of something great. Trying to realize the plethora of knowledge that came from the Renaissance, I notice how it has helped me guide my life.

One extant idea that came about from the Renaissance is Humanism, which cannot be considered harmless. Humanism opened new ideas of life, causing the decent of the papacy. Instead of living days, one after another, trying to keep pure for Heaven, people began to improve their current life on Earth. People wanted more out of their life, including being social and erudite. The semblance between the Renaissance man and I is the belief in the importance of time. Time must be used wisely to make an emolument in the world. The improvement does not have to be ubiquitous; over six billion small improvements create an unforeseen future. Alone everyone has a finite amount of time, but together we can make time infinite.
post #14 of 24 (permalink) Old 10-19-2003, 05:15 PM
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OK, I can't recall all the terms, but grammar (good and bad) has always caught my eye. Just make sure you get it all right. Heck, if you're going to list AP English on your list of credentials, you've got to at least get that right! The one phrase that sticks out is in the second paragraph... "the semblance between the Renaissance man and I". I believe it should be "between the Renaissance man and ME" - as the object of the preposition, you need ME instead of I.

Alright, that off my chest... The first paragraph talks about what the Ren. means to you - social status (or lack thereof) doesn't prevent you from getting a higher education. However, I don't fully understand what you are trying to say about Humanism and how it has affected you. Maybe the answer is in the missing paragraph(s) that follow.

Just some thoughts...

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post #15 of 24 (permalink) Old 10-19-2003, 05:17 PM
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Quote:
They are asking me who my role model is.

Do they judge you on this?

honestly i would put Fidel Castro
are you F*king serious about this? I hope for your sake this is a not-particularly humourous attempt at a joke. :: :: ::

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